Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?