Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again