Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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