we're chasing vodka with high fives
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
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Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...