Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
