fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
