i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
