Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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