At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
