Got a toothbrush?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
