There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?