If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?