phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
