Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
