It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
