She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.