he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.