I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
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No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
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I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.