Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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