when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
