dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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