I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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