Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
