She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
