So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Randomize
