You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
