dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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