It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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