the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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