I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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