So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
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I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
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Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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