Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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