Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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