I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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