maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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