Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
