stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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