OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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