Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Drake has all the answers
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
