but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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