Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
