p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool