Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.