can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now