You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for