I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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