i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?