I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day