I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
What did we do last night that was yellow?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.