Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
wow bdsm is so cute
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
