i just google imaged poop.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
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This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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