im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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