All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
