He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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