Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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