Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
