Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
im holly from the hills drunk
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in