Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
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Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
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dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just want to make out with him forever
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.