i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.