my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
