1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.