Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks